How to Hook a Literary Agent

- Write a fucking awesome book (um, hopefully), but remember no one makes a decent living out of writing novels these days.

- Find and create a list of agents (minimum of fifty, preferably in a spread sheet) that represent/read your genre.

(Erm, genre?! What's that? OK, shit, what genre do I write?)

- Cyber-stalk said agents for minimum 3 months

(actual physical stalking is a no-no?)

This also goes under the guise of 'research your agents'.

- Filter your list to those who you think may be a good fit for you and your book. If you do gain representation, it's almost like a marriage, so choose wisely. (great, I have baaad taste in men. I. Am. Doooomed.)

- Write a fucking awesome query letter with a strong short pitch, showing you have considered your potential market.

(Argh, market? What's my market? How the hell do I know who wants to read my book? I'm not a fucking mind reader!).

Each letter must sound as if you have written it with that specific agent in mind, not just a blanket query. Try and add something personal, but don’t over-do it. (back to stalking again)

- If you haven’t already become a Facebook or Twitter cyborg, or a bionic blogger, do not bother with the above.

So, in short:

• Write novels only if you are rich in the first place.

• Become a marketing mogul overnight

• Develop your bunny-boiling skills

• Sell your soul to the internet, and anyone else who wants it if you are not already a rich person wanting to be a novelist.

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